


let’s not fall in love

by of_feathers_and_bowstrings



Series: so close (yet still so far) [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mild Angst, Realization of Feelings, javi being javi, this turned out a lot softer than I intended, yuzu is yuzu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 14:18:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16243379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/of_feathers_and_bowstrings/pseuds/of_feathers_and_bowstrings
Summary: Since Yuzuru had joined the TCC Family, Javier had always been his rock. It was Javi that brought out the best in Yuzuru, made Yuzuru want to be a good person, like Javi was.Kind, gentle, affectionate Javi.They were family and as close as two people competing against each other could be. Yuzuru looked to Javi as a sort of guiding light, a place he could go to when he fell victim to the nasty storms in his head. Perhaps it was weird in their sport but Yuzuru didn't think much of it. Javi was simply Javi. It didn't have to mean anything more than that.Until it did.





	let’s not fall in love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first RPF! Hope you all enjoy! :)

They’re at rehearsals for an upcoming ice show when it happens. Javi plops down heavily beside Yuzuru and casually rests against his shoulder. Yuzuru glances over at him and snorts, teasing Javi about how out of shape he’s gotten during the off-season. Javi retaliates by jabbing Yuzuru in the side. Yuzuru yelps and none too gently shoves him off.

Javi reacts by tugging Yuzuru down with him. The two laugh as they roll around on the ground in a half-hearted wrestling match, earning amused and fond looks from the other skaters. Yuzuru is vaguely aware of Johnny gushing to Stephane about something off to the side. Yuzuru’s laughter dies down when he realizes their position. Javi’s on top of him, laughing with his head tucked into the crook of Yuzuru’s neck.

Yuzuru is now extremely aware of how Javi’s pressed against him. How Javi’s breath is tickling his neck and making his skin prickle. How Javi’s laugh is making his heart race. Javi lifts his head and Yuzuru takes a moment to just _look_ at him. That smile, those all too large doe-eyes filled with so much warmth. It’s all the same to him. It’s _Javi._ But somehow he seems so different. Yuzuru figures Javi must’ve done something, changed something. But what?

Someone calls for them to resume practice for their group number. Javi gets up and holds his hand out. His smile is soft and his eyes softer. Yuzuru blinks up at him but takes his hand anyway. An automatic gesture and response. Besides, what else can Yuzuru do when Javi looks at him like that? What else can he do when Javi extends a hand so willingly?

Yuzuru feels his legs cave from beneath him and he stumbles forward. Javi catches him. Javi always catches him. Javi’s arm curls around his waist to keep him stable.

His heart stutters in his chest.

Javi smirks, “And you say I’m out of shape.”

Yuzuru continues to blink incessantly as Javi releases him to get back on the ice, but not before throwing a beaming smile in Yuzuru’s direction. Yuzuru clamps his mouth shut to prevent an impending scream from crawling up his throat. Instead, he reaches upwards to touch his chest. His heart is beating furiously beneath his palm.

_What...is this?_

Yuzuru doesn’t understand why his heart is acting so abnormal, why his lungs feel like they’re ready to burst, and why his cheeks feel so hot. Is he getting sick? He hopes not. He doesn’t want to go through bouts of the flu again.

Johnny comes up behind him and taps his shoulder.Yuzuru smiles and tries to will the weird feelings away. Johnny must notice how off Yuzuru is and softly pats Yuzuru’s rosy cheeks. “Oh, honey.” Is all he says before stepping out onto the ice.

Stephane follows, says nothing but gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze and goes off. Yuzuru doesn’t know how to react to any of it. He does his best to shake the weird feelings off. Though, that’s proven difficult.

Yuzuru is nearly subjected to more heart attacks because Javi can’t seem to stop smiling at him. Yuzuru has no idea what any of this means. All he knows is that Javi is the source of the weirdness.

 

 

Yuzuru tries his best. He really does. But avoiding Javi is an almost impossible task. Javi seems to be everywhere Yuzuru is. And he’s always, always _smiling_! No one should smile that much but here Javi is, acting like everything is just fine and dandy despite everything being the opposite. At least for Yuzuru.

And while Yuzuru attempts to ignore Javi’s presence during the shows, he finds himself unconsciously drifting closer. It’s not like he’s doing it on purpose. Javi tends to draw him in. Sort of like a moth to a lamp. A really, really, sweet and handsome lamp. Yuzuru grimaces and shoves the thoughts from his head. He doesn’t like where his mind is taking him. Even more so doesn’t like how his body seems to go against him. Naturally finding Javi in an excited group of skaters scrambling to get to their places for photos.

Yuzuru feels Javi’s arm wrap around him, his fingers curling into Yuzuru’s waist. Yuzuru tries to ignore the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach and smiles, albeit a little stained, for the camera. Afterwards, a couple of skaters skate out to perform a few tricks. Ah, quad battles... this is his chance to escape. So, he does.

Yuzuru breaks free from Javi’s hold and skates out, gains some speed, and launches himself into a quad salchow. _Javi’s Sal._ The thought is so jarring, it causes him to lose focus and he finds himself crashing down onto the ice. It’s enough to wake him up. He scrambles up to his feet and bows to the group of ladies he seems to have scared in the front row. He turns back to the rest of the skaters and feels heat rising up his neck.

His embarrassment doesn’t last long because in the next minute Javi’s skating out and attempts at a triple axel only to underrotate and slip and fall on his ass, causing a chorus of both screams and laughter. Javi stands up and brushes the ice off of his pants, smiling sheepishly and catching Yuzuru’s eyes. All feelings of embarrassment leave him then and instead he feels a wave of fondness overtake him. Javi skates to his side and playfully nudges his shoulder. Yuzuru nudges him back and smiles.

______________________________________________

 

Unfortunately, the feelings don’t go away. In fact, Yuzuru feels as if they’re getting _worse._ They seem to preoccupy majority of his thoughts when he’s alone so he does what he can to stay busy. He looks for company in everyone _but_ Javi. If he wants strange feelings to go away, then he needs to be away from the source of the weirdness. At least until he can figure out how to make them go away.

That’s how he finds himself hanging with Shoma in Shoma’s room. They’re playing Mario Kart and currently Shoma seems to be beating him, much to Yuzuru’s dislike. As they’re making their last lap, Yuzuru picks up a blue shell and grins deviously. This is his chance! He presses the button to release the item and sends the blue shell at Shoma.

“What? No!” Shoma’s whines. “That’s not fair!”

Yuzuru laughs maniacally as he speeds past Shoma and wins first place. Shoma groans and tosses his DS to the side. Yuzuru places his DS down and prods at Shoma’s stomach. “Oi, don’t be a sore loser. Play me again.”

Shoma rolls his eyes, “We’ve been playing for the last few hours. And you’ve only beaten me once.”

Yuzuru pouts. Yeah, so maybe Shoma whooped his ass a good number of times. But Yuzuru isn’t ready to go back to his lonely hotel room yet. “Come on! _Please!_ ” He whines.

Shoma sighs up, picks his DS up, and starts up a new game, “You’re such a nuisance.”

“But you love me!”

Shoma rolls his eyes again but doesn’t put up further protests. He does, however, seem to be in a talkative mood. “So, what brought you here anyway? You’re usually such a loner.”

Yuzuru shrugs, trying to play it casual. “I was bored and wanted company.”

“...right.”

The game starts and they’re off. As Yuzuru tries to navigated around the dreaded rainbow course, Shoma seems to decide he isn’t done with him yet, “This isn’t your weird attempt at hiding from Javier, is it?”

“Wh-what?” Yuzuru startles and nearly drops his DS. Shoma doesn’t seem to notice or care. “Why do you think that?”

“You’ve been weird this entire week. Did you guys fight or something?”

“No. Nothing like that.” Yuzuru shakes his head, “A-and why am I the weird one? Maybe Javi’s the weird one!”

Shoma glances at him, brow raised. “Right. Sure. Javier’s the weird one doing the avoiding.”

“I’m not avoiding him!”

Yuzuru was avoiding him but he didn’t think he’d actually been so obvious about it. Shoma pauses the game and gives him a deadpan look. “Yuzu, you literally dove behind the costume rack today to hide from him. I saw it. Pretty much everyone saw it.”

Yuzuru slumped in defeat. Yeah, he couldn’t really deny that one. Shoma’s expression of annoyance morphs into one of mild exasperation and concern, “Yuzu, what’s going on?”

“I...I don’t know.” Yuzuru admits. He really doesn’t know. He can’t make sense of anything lately.

“Did Javi do something?”

“No.” Yuzuru shakes his head, “I don’t think so. Things are just weird. He’s weird. Different.”

“He is?” Shoma frowns. “He doesn’t seem any different. Still turns into absolute putty in your hands.”

Yuzuru brings his hands up to squish his cheeks. He can feel himself blushing. But he thinks about what Shoma said. His brows furrow, “Is Javi really still Javi?”

Shoma looks even more confused. “I’m...not sure what you mean by that but I guess? He still looks the same. Still acts the same. He’s still your Javi.”

 _‘Still your Javi…’_ The words hit him like a sucker punch to the stomach. Shoma seems to lose interest to whatever is going on is Yuzuru’s chaotic mind and resumes the game. “Are we still playing or are you going to just stare at the wall?”

Yuzuru shakes his head. “We can play. Sorry.”

They start again but Yuzuru’s heart isn’t quite in it. He’s a little shaken and a little lost. Shoma speaks again without looking up, “If you’re really that bothered maybe you should talk to him? Unless, you’re scared of him?”

 _Scared of Javi?_ Yuzuru ponders over it for a fraction of a second before deeming it completely impossible. Scared of Javi? How could he ever be afraid of Javi? Javi is kind and radiates so much happiness. He shines in the way Yuzuru does not. Not like Javi. Not like Javi who is more radiant than the sun. There should be no reason to ever fear someone like Javi. And yet here he is...hiding out in Shoma’s room and doing ridiculous things to avoid him.

Perhaps Yuzuru is scared but it’s not of Javi. Yuzuru is sure of that. No. There’s a part of him, a deep, dark, secret part of himself that he dares not venture to that whispers that the only thing he’s afraid of, is himself. Yuzuru doesn’t like the feeling of fear but it has always pushed him to work harder. At least until now.

“He looked a little sad today.” Shoma mutters.

“Huh?”

“He looked sad. Like he was lonely.”

Yuzuru swallows. He feels incredibly guilty that his stupidity has hurt Javi. It was never his intention. He decides then that he’ll stop running. He is Yuzuru Hanyu and he has never let fear control him. He won’t let it now. Feeling a little lighter, Yuzuru turns back to the game only to see Shoma blaze past him and reach first. He doesn’t even mind.

“Hey, Shoma?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks for the company.”

Shoma’s his eyes don’t stray from the screen, but Yuzuru can see his lips curving upwards, “Anytime.”

______________________________________

 

It’s their final show for the tour and Yuzuru is exhausted. The feelings haven’t stopped but Yuzuru endures it because it’s worth it to see Javi happy and looking lively as ever. After the celebration dinner for the last show, Yuzuru ends up back at the hotel for a good night’s sleep and...so is Javi apparently. Javi had left when Yuzuru left and followed him back. Yuzuru gave him a look but Javi had just given him a small smile, looking hopeful.

Yuzuru shrugged. He hadn’t had the energy to question it. He should’ve. Considering the two of them don’t normally do this sort of thing. It isn’t like them to spend time together outside of an ice rink. Javi seems to have forgone that little detail in favor of spending extra time with Yuzuru. He wonders if this has to do with Yuzuru avoiding him. If Javi has decided to confront him about it. Yuzuru surely hopes not. He wouldn’t have a good enough answer to give him. And his stomach still keeps doing little flips whenever Javi gets close to him.

Javi doesn’t say anything though.

Eventually, they make it back to Yuzuru’s room. Javi flops down on the couch, turns on the TV, and starts surfing through the channels, looking for something he can understand, probably. Yuzuru goes into his room to change into a comfortable pair of sweats and a thin black shirt. He returns to the living room and picks up the textbook on the coffee table. Yuzuru takes a seat on the single sofa and flips to his assigned reading. He might as well try to catch up with his studies if Javi’s just here to lounge around.

Yuzuru is completely engrossed with his reading when a tissue ball hits his forehead. He watches it roll to the floor harmlessly. He looks up and raises his brow at Javi. Javi looks at him, his eyes half-lidded and sleepy. Yuzuru feels his cheeks burn. He decides to ignore Javi and resume his reading. It’s difficult though. He can feel Javi’s eyes on him, watching him.

Yuzuru sniffs and tries to focus on the damn words on the page. He can’t. He’s been stuck reading the same sentences five times now. He nearly leaps from his seat when he feels a hand on his ankle. Yuzuru exhales, “Yes, Javi?”

“Yuzu, I’m tired. Can we sleep?”

Yuzuru presses his lips together. He knows Javi has a nice hotel room all to himself. If he’s tired, maybe he should just go back. Yuzuru is about to tell him so but then he catches Javi’s eyes. The lamp light seems to be doing things to the color. _Have they always been so many shades of brown?_

Yuzuru snaps himself out of it and closes his book. He promised himself he’d stop pushing Javi away and he’s obviously not going to get any reading done with Javi in his space anyway. Like a good host, Yuzuru gets up, goes back into his room and turns down the covers.

“Javi can sleep here. I will sleep on couch.”

Yuzuru grabs one of the extra pillows and is about to leave when strong, warm fingers encircle his wrist. He snaps his head towards Javi. Javi doesn’t say anything, just gives him a gentle tug and Yuzuru understands. He mutters a soft “okay” and turns off the lights before climbing into bed.

Energy seems to drain out of him as he snuggles further into the sheets. His eyes close and he’s halfway to knocking out for the night when he feels an arm wrap around him. At that, his eyes immediately snap open and now it seems he’s no longer tired. His pulse is racing and he wonders if Javi can hear it, too. If he can, Javi doesn’t call attention to it.

Yuzuru taps Javi’s arm, “Um...Javi?”

“Hm?”

Yuzuru shuts his eyes as the arm around him pulls him closer. He can feel Javi pressed against his back. Yuzuru’s fingers curl into the sheets as he feels Javi’s lips brush lightly against the back of his neck. “You’re warm...I missed you.”

 _Oh..._ the guilt keeps Yuzuru from spazzing out and shoving Javi off of him. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay.”

Yuzuru stiffens as Javi nuzzles against him, shifting closer still. Touch has never been a problem with them. After all the years of training together, Yuzuru has gotten used to Javi’s touchiness, including the occasional cuddles. But like with most things lately, this feels different.

“Yuzuru?”

Yuzuru clenches his jaw, trying hard not to think about the pleasant jolts that shoot up his spine at the way breathy way Javi says his name. How many times has he heard that voice? How many times has he heard it say his name? Why is it different now? Why? Why? WHY? He keeps asking himself that.

Unable to trust his voice, Yuzuru grunts back in response. Javi sighs contentedly and places a hand over Yuzuru’s heart before relaxing completely, “I like the sound of your heart beating.”

“Wh-what?” Yuzuru chokes. Who says stuff like that?!

“Feels like home.”

Yuzuru’s brain short circuits. He has nothing to say to that. He’s not sure if he can say anything to that. He doesn’t know how to process this information. Javi seems to be completely unaware of Yuzuru’s internal conflict.

“Good night, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru murmurs a quiet, “oyasumi.”

 

Hours pass by with Yuzuru still wide awake, staring at the ceiling and trying to piece together what’s happening and what’s been happening. He’s so used to feeling in control that everything now is throwing him off balance. Yuzuru shifts onto his back. Javi naturally moves with him and lays his head on Yuzuru’s chest. Yuzuru raises a shaky hand and cards his fingers through Javi’s hair. Marvels at the softness and plays with Javi’s curls.

The thing is since Yuzuru had joined the TCC Family, Javier had always been his rock. It was Javi that brought out the best in Yuzuru, made Yuzuru want to be a good person, like Javi was.

Kind, gentle, affectionate Javi.

They were family and as close as two people competing against each other could be. Yuzuru looked to Javi as a sort of guiding light, a place he could go to when he fell victim to the nasty storms in his head. Perhaps it was weird in their sport but Yuzuru didn't think much of it. Javi was simply Javi. It didn't have to mean anything more than that.

Until it did.

Until now.

Yuzuru has never felt so at east yet on edge at the same time before. It was similar to how he felt during competitions. Half-excited, half-anxious yet ready to go and win. But Javi isn’t a medal to be won. If Yuzuru misses out on gold, there’s always the next competition or the next one. But Javi is Javi. And though he will never _ever_ admit it out loud, the soft, tender part of him, the one that Javi brings out of him, knows that Javi has always been more special to him than any gold medal.

Sleep eventually finds its way back to Yuzuru and he’s just about floating at the edges of it when realization hits him like a freight train. Everything slows down until times stops altogether. And everything comes back to Yuzuru and the man curled up against him. For a moment, Yuzuru suddenly feels like running again. Because _oh...OH._

It isn’t Javi that’s different. _Yuzuru_ is different.

Yuzuru shuts his eyes and flings his free hand over his face. No, this can’t be. He is not in lo--Yuzuru can’t even make himself finish the thought. The thought alone is enough to make Yuzuru feel as if the planet itself is falling out of orbit. He wants to open the window and scream into the night. Or maybe just toss himself out the window altogether and will himself to grow a pair of wings and fly away.

Yuzuru abruptly pulls the breaks on this crazy ride and reminds himself to breathe again before he ends up having an asthma attack. Maybe in retrospect, he should’ve seen this coming. He’s a little upset with himself that he didn’t see it before. But now that he has a name for these emotions, he can control them. Stop them, somehow. Maybe. Hopefully. Emotions had always been a difficult thing for him to control when he himself was such a passionate person by nature.

But he needs to. He _has_ to. In order to protect himself, to protect what’s left of his sanity, and most importantly, to protect Javi.

Time resumes and the storm within calms somewhat. There’s a faint light hidden amongst the heavy fog of Yuzuru’s turmoil, but it’s there. Beside him, Javi moves again and his fingers somehow entangle with Yuzuru’s. Yuzuru feels the ice inside of him melt because despite his feelings, Javi is still Javi. His safe place.

 _‘Feels like home.’_ Javi had whispered. And as Yuzuru settles against him, he thinks yeah, yeah it does.


End file.
